Monday, April 16, 2012

I'm not alright

What am I doing here. I sit, second guessing myself. Knowing I desperately need to be honest here & now. But dreading the exposure of my jumbled head-space and yucky hardness of heart.

This is not a pretty, feel-good post. But I think it can be a beautiful one. Not because life is as wonderful as a storybook and I'm excelling & thriving. Ha! In fact the Growth Angel looks like it has passed me by and moved on to my worthier blogging friends. But in truth, that's not how our God works. Not one of us is deserving of the beautiful work He does in us! Perhaps that is evidenced in the times of my life that I've been the most needy, lost & in rebellion, all but given up. And my good Father has swooped down and turned that indifference to brokenness, and then traded my brokenness for His beauty, His forgiveness, His hope. And spoken to me oh so tenderly.

Yes, sometimes growth looks like recognition. Of just how broken you really are. How much you can't fix yourself. How you're SO not okay, you need a Savior, a healer, a heart-changer to intervene.

I guess that's where I'm at today. Recognizing that I'm not alright. I'm really broken inside. God has seen my efforts to strive harder, control my environment, fix myself.  And in His mercy, He's showing me that it's incredibly unhealthy. It's harming me. It's harming my family and other relationships. I don't write much on my blog because I fill my head all day with the things I could be writing here until it's spinning in confusion and defeat. I internalize it all, all of life, and somehow think I can figure it out all by myself and come out on top. Pride, anyone?

He is jealous for me. My amazing husband isn't enough to fix my broken heart. My beautiful daughter brings great joy, but it only goes so deep. I love being a part of our clinic and the leadership that flows out into service in our community. But no, that's not enough to fulfill me. I can strive and strive some more. I can analyze things to death, but that will never bring rest to my soul.

There's only one who can do all of these things and more. He alone deserves my heart and all the glory from the redemptive story of my life. I must surrender, give up, let go of all I've been trying because it's. not. working, folks! I'm being called to stop managing my sin, and start repenting {turning from, running the opposite direction} of it. The pride, distrust, control, fear, panic, and anger. But that seems sooooooo hard and overwhelming right now. I'm not feeling much hope. Yet.

So, grace to me today looks like a constant, consistent, never-changing Love. The love of the Father. While I go through seasons of joy and sorrow, growing at times, stubborn as a mule in other times. Though I run from Him, and make an idol of myself. Though I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.

He never lets me go.

And right now until forever, that's all the hope I've got.

Grace Laced Mondays


  1. i am so encouraged by this. not because it's a pretty perfect post but because it's your heart. and so much of mine right now too. your courage to put light on the brokenness is brave and humble. and a sweet beginning of the Lord's healing and restorative work in your heart....praying for you friend. i wish we could sit over coffee and talk more...might email you later. but for now, please know you are loved and prayed for. and journeyed with.

  2. Amen, Libbs! If sanctification is more of him and less of me, than we have to expect that the surgical removal of all that is "native" to our SELVES, will be PAINFUL. We can trust him, friend. He does not waste any trial or tear.

  3. Hi! I followed your link from Inspired to Action. Thank you so much for your honesty. I can relate to your post SO much . . . Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me of God's grace, God's love, and God's patience. Your post has been a blessing to me.